Friday, January 26, 2007

A special post for the Regis readers

Some of these, I have no idea what they mean. Comes with being a bit removed. Others, I'm sure, can be related to be several here.


You might be a Regian if... make stupid lists enumerating ways to be a Regian. like to make weird as hell c++ programs for fun. (David Plaza) spend your Saturday nights at home drowning in homework. (John Magrogan) don't mind not being with girls at school. (John Magrogan) carry more books than you need. (dp) have more than one book bag and use both every day. (only one person fits this one...)
7...your name is Matthew Guido. (dp) have a personal web site. (dp) dumbfound your friends trying to explain our 20-period day. (Will Pryor) brag to people how there are rich girls schools just blocks away... yet you haven't seen a female since the summer. (Will Pryor) have your very own poster of Hearn seniors on a wall at home. (Will Pryor) think the Quad is a popular place to hang out. have ever "sunbathed" in the Quad. don't mind the cafeteria. Haze, mice, OR food. have "unstructured time". know what "unstructured time" is. spend all your "unstructured time" in the library or any room called "_RC" (fill in the blank). know Jimmy. have ever gotten JUG. know what JUG is.
21...mass transit is a way of life and you spend at least two hours a day using it. have a metro card. rejoice when "suspicious packages" are left in Penn Station. actually know what a TI-83+ is, and know how to use it. (not necessarily well) know what an H drive is. know and hate techie.
27...fear is synonymous in your mind with "Hearn". (anonymous) know what synonymous means or what the Hearn is. actually believe there are deep philosophical messages embedded in episodes of "The Simpsons".
30..."epic enchantment with massive disenchantment" actually means something to you.
31...Oktoberfest means a hotdog and lots of free Snapple. know what a half-qual is.'ve suffered through the slideshow more than twice. (yes, THAT slideshow...)
34...Jasper is not a team, but a resume stuffer. (anonymous) consider Westchester "Upstate". have a minimum of five "worst cab/train/bus ride ever" stories. know alllllll about BUGS. (and put your hands up when you say that)'ve seen Mr. Loose try to be 'ghetto'. can prove that .9 repeating is actually 1.0 think its daring and dangerous to wear a sweater without a collar. know how to break into the conference room, and 410. come in normal time on late advisement C days. know what a prefrosh is. Or a frosh, for that matter.'ve had to read The Odyssey...UNABRIDGED. (same for Grapes of Wrath)
45...laptop keys (missing) are a pertinent issue in your life. know the notorious BIG (think a little, here...).'ve seen the helicopter landing pad on the roof. think PM advisement is an absolute waste of time (which it is). dream about squashing all those annoying little kiddies on 84th. go to Mr. Lyness' office for candy. Maybe to say hi too, if you feel like it. walk single-file past the advancement office... you know why... are intimately acquainted with the tunnel, and all its quirks. average day's exercise consists of: mad dash to train or bus, from stop to school,
approx 9 flights of stairs(up, 9 down), 0.45 miles of hallway running, 20 minutes of standing in place at lunch line, and then sleeping on the ride home.
54...your sleep schedule is something like this: wake up at 530 or 6 am, catch bus/train,
sleep for 50 minutes, sleep about 30 minutes during unstruc time, sleep from 15-75 minutes
during classes, go to after school stuff, sleep thru some of those(20 min), go home, go to sleep
at about 130 or 2 am. For those living in Manhattan, shift this schedule
forward 2.5 hours (i.e. wakeup at 8 or 830, bed at 4ish). read for fun (God help you!). are too lazy to go to bed, and end up sitting at the computer instead. are reading this list, and laughing. Laughing at anything. I mean that is just realllly sad if you are.'ve been caught topless in the Quad by Fr. Biagi (James Matamoros referring to mike D).
59...JFR means 'cut'. Think about it. You'll get it. I did. (the day, you morons) don't know what Regents are. consider that stupid red planner thing as a weapon.
62...your teachers think they are funny and answer your cell when it rings. are genuinely surprised when your friends whine to you about oppressive worksheets. Then you laugh. have a remarkable WPM speed (that's for typing), but can only achieve it the day a paper is due, at 8:29am in the back of the library with Mr. Coleman on the prowl. know html, java, c++ and perl, but can't get your locker open. (Yes, these people do exist...) never EVER use the word 'mod' when referring to your schedule, and are confused when someone does, despite it being the building block of said schedule. sit on skylights. have taken home at least two trophies from the Hearn room that aren't yours. saw Cicero when he was wearing a doorag. (2001 open house) (or 2002, I can't remember) are baffled by those flag-banner things that they put in the Quad, and wonder why they are there. Or where they go when they disappear.'ve made a "SHOT ON GOAL". Ah yes, intramurals.
72...krispy kreme is an important part of your day, as is the local Nuts4Nuts guy.'ve painted your face red, then gone home with war paint still on. can cram for a language test, a science test, a math quiz and a history quest (quizz/test), and do all this while writing that paper that you've had 3 months to do but is due tomorrow, but when asked to remember to do something, or any other simple task, you stare blankly, and find the job too difficult. cram routinely.
76...the term system-beater is fully applicable to you, and you are proud of it. find going to the Met is actually enjoyable (mind you , only as a replacement to class). go to the Humanities library once a get "sources" for that stupid paper that is due soon. wonder why they call it "Humanities"...I mean really, its just weird. think reading The Owl is a worthwhile waste of time (note the oxymoron...). have no idea about those holes in the locker room, or what they pour into them. can tell what's for breakfast, while you're on the 5th floor...(smell, if ya didn't catch that one) take math tests in pen.'ve ever filled a blue book on one question. (God help you if you have!) come into a final, and ask someone for a pen, because it didn't occur to you that you would be needing one.'ve been locked out of the 85th St door and stood there for at least 5 minutes hoping to be let in.'ve gotten your hands on an elevator key, only to realize that you can get on from the locker room with a paper clip. think taking pushpins from bulletin boards constitutes "vandalism". associate "prototype" with "crap" (e.g. 408's super-duper computer beam stuff). have scoliosis and very heavy backpacks, but your bag didn't break from book-weight, it broke because
you tossed it down two flights of stairs. are a firm believer in the existence of the dean's crystal ball and magic flying silent shoes. have ever taken pictures in class, or used a tape recorder or camcorder to record a teacher's stupidity.'ve been caught for mp3s. I don't know what there is to be 'caught' about, but oh well...'ve braved rain, snow, bitter cold, and any other form of weather to eat in the Quad, just because you can, but deny that the reason you do so is because you cannot handle the cafeteria. rely heavily on sugar. (Contact me for the ULTIMATE recipe) have seen the layout of the secret annex of the Hearn room. Or the Coachmobile. will miss Bum Bill and his rants and "songs". went to livestock '02. And got the retarded T-shirt. Yeah, the one with the cow... have ever guarded the Tunnel...or any flight of stairs.
100...figuring out how to order something on the lunch line presents a difficulty to you. (you know who you are, JP) are as helpless as a chicken with its head cut off when told to use your emergency contingency plan. Because YOU DON'T HAVE ONE. NO ONE DOES. What a stupid "plan". don't listen to the daily announcements, and after you find out you missed something, you wonder why the hell no one told you about it.'ve seen the frightening things that can happen to a teacher who has been here too long. have had the sudden urge to adopt a manatee and keep it in the Quad. (NO! Don't touch the window!)
105...your idea of chinese food is The Chirping Chicken. refuse to patronize Mimi's because the guy with the menu down his pants is a jerk. have ever used an "architect's ruler"...she's crazy, I tell ya! Or, you know the definition of "um". think deodorant (aerosol) is used to make graffiti (on lockers). have slept in the same bed as another guy. (Not at the same time, you pervert) (anon)
110...the vending machines provide you with breakfast, lunch, and dinner.'ve been at Regis later than the city lights go out and earlier than the city lights go on. know the New York City subway system like the back of your hand. have traveled all of Manhattan in search of something, never sure of what. have timed your entire travel commute and know who you will meet and where. All the time. hate being wrong. attack people at the moment you sense a degree of wrongness. debate the undebatable, and argue at the most ridiculous things, all the time arguing solely for the sake of arguing. know there is a deeper meaning in "EXCESS" (think of the band...) (whoa!)
119...this makes sense: Parents' Club = food. know the name of the guy at Mimi's (the one with the menu down his pants). (ITS JAVIER).
121...everything you do is completed 30 seconds before the due date.
122...grades don't matter. boast about failing something. (frighteningly very true) know what a blivot is. are constantly discouraged from orgees. (yes, I know how to spell, that is that way for a REASON..) can "in depth comment" on every diner on the upper East Side and show some kind of animosity between you and aforementioned diner. (anon) are a an upperclassman in high school yet go to see the premier of Harry Potter, wave like a maniac when you see Bugs Bunny, and act like a 3 year old at any public gathering. (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...) like to exemplify your vast knowledge of languages, by speaking Spanglish, Gerglish, Chinglish, Frenglish, and Latglish at public gatherings. God forbid someone start speaking solely in another language, you'd be lost. Completely.
129...when friends tell you about spelling class, you think they are telling you a joke. inexplicably start summer vacation 2 weeks before the rest of the world. (Bobby Johnsen) can tell the difference between Sukarno and Suharto. (Evan Smoak)

Credits are given next to items; if there are no credits, I made them, or the person who did doesn't want to be named. (Anonymous) or (anon) is for submissions that were made, you guessed it, anonymously, but that I definitely do not want mistaken as mine, or
do not wish to steal credit for the genius of.

Special note for the slow: To be a Regian, you do not have to fulfill ALL of the above mentioned criteria. Or even most of it. Also, if you do fulfill any of the above criteria, that does not necessarily make you a Regian. Just in case you were wondering.

Thanks to Mike Wolff '05 for writing this beautiful peice of work.


The end. Lifted mercilessly from the group on Facebook. Are you really surprised there's a pointless Facebook group for Regis?


paul zummo said...

132...You read all of these.

Anonymous said...

I understood a few of them, but wow this really sucks. Typical Regis pseudo-intellectual and unfunny claptrap.

Anonymous said...

Ditto. When I look back at it, I'm so grateful that Ted and I were so busy raising hell during our stay at Regis that we're now unable to appreciate the meanings of this sort of bullshit. Long live the FCC!!!