Monday, July 15, 2013

Finally, It's Over

I have to write this somewhere,  and this is as good as any since I might be bringing this site back.

As of Thursday, I officially became a statistic of a divorced parent. After separating in October, we received a final decree last week and a tumultuous period is finally over - partially.

I say partially because my kids and I will have to live with this for a long time. We moved out and got an apartment nearby, so that they could continue attending the same school and doing the same activities, and the fight for that to continue has been contentious at best, and nightmarish at worst.

When family dynamics change, for the most part there are lots of people that provide outpourings of support - at least with regards to a birth, a death, a wedding, a graduation. It does not work that way in a divorce. It can feel very lonely to go through it.

In the end, it was  achoice that had to be made because staying together would have resulted, it seemed, in far greater damage. The amount of time spent to fix things numbered almost three years before I decided enough was enough - yes, I was the one that filed.

After trying individual therapy, couples therapy, and other methods it was obvious it would never improve - and as my now ex-wife said to the church priest, if there weren't kids we'd have split a long time ago.

I know there are some schools of thought that say it is better to stay together for the sake of the children. However, when staying together guarantees a dysfunctional household is all the kids know that is not a desirable scenario. The only chance the kids would have, it seemed, to see a functional household would be to create a second one - and after another job loss in September, I realized it was time to do so.

My employer has been very supportive throughout this entire ordeal. They have understood that there are going to be many times that I needed to be dealing with court arrangements, handoffs, and other occurrences throughout this ordeal, and I am very grateful they have stuck by me and that I am still there after five and a half years (wow, it has been a while).

Some friends have been very supportive during this. Others have fallen off or outright blocked me, that is to be expected and nothing I do will change that.

What matters most is how the kids see it. Now, at ages nine and six, they understand what a functioning household should look like - and how we did not have one before. They understand that this family is not going to be like other families, but that it does not mean we love them any less - I think, if anything (or at least hope) that each of us values our time with them more than before and will work harder to make that a certainty. We will each have them fifty percent of the time, and it's on each of us to make every minute count.

Growing up, I had a pair of parents that stayed together for "my" sake - and it was not right. They both spiraled as alcoholics, lost job after job because of their instabilities, with addiction to alcohol and smoking eventually killing them both - one when I was sixteen, the other a couple of years ago, but killing them eventually. That was the path we were heading dowm - and like a lot of other cases, it would not be right for me to pass down to my children the problems that my parents passed to me.

The chain has to break somewhere, or problems continue to pass down from generation to generation. Staying in a broken marriage would have meant passing these tendencies down to the kids, because they were reaching teh age when learned behaviors become almost permanent.

For those that didn't know, I'm sorry for not saying more, It can be hard to tell when you've said too little or too much in a divorce. Sometimes, I seemed to err with certain people on saying too much, and it's hurt when I cross the line to TMI.

For all I know, this post fits the bill of TMI.

Point is, I'm glad this is over, and I'm glad that we can now move forward to a better future instead of looking to a broken past. I feel good about it and so do the kids  - when we broke news to them last week it was final, their reactions were "good" and "finally" instead of sadness and crying.

They are ready to move forward, and so am I, and we will do exactly that with a new school year looming on the horizon. 

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Not dead yet

I may actually be emerging from the depths to re-activate this soon. It's been a very long time and I don't know if anyone's left, but perhaps it'll be time to write here again soon.  It's been a crazy, crazy, time. When I'm ready, I'll explain. But not yet.

Point is that no, I'm not dead, and no, I don't want to go on the cart.