Tuesday, January 26, 2010

How to Survive the SOTU

While there might be some more serious analyses elsewhere, I would prefer to share my own State of the Union preview.

Naturally, this preview will be based solely on the amount of alcohol that can be consumed during the course of the speech and rebuttal.

While some inspiration comes from multiple sources, such as Glock Talk and HuffPo, some are my own creation as well.

With no further delay, here are some friendly guidelines for tolerating listening to the bloviating impassioned speech and rebuttal.

"Let me be clear"
"Make no mistake"
"I'm fighting for you" (two if you actually believe it)
"The stimulus is working" (also weep silently)
"Healthcare reform" (though this could lead to blackouts)
"Job Creation"
Nancy Pelosi or Joe Biden clap hysterically
"Change we can believe in"
Any seemingly personal narrative which can be smelled as bull**** from a mile away
Any wink or point to and follow-up shot of Michelle

"Inherited from the previous administration"
"Cap and Trade"
"We must reduce spending" (Rolling your eyes will help significantly)
"Last eight years"
Harry Reid sulks/cowers (since he is on track to lose re-election)
Hillary Clinton smirks, knowing she won't get reamed as badly in November
John McCain grimaces
Any congressman caught sleeping
Any congressman caught twittering
Any reference to his "faith"
Nancy Pelosi blinks more than 100 times in one minute

Standing Ovation from only one side of the aisle - three drinks
Mentions of campaign finance reform or Citizens United v. FEC - three drinks
"The time for debate has ended" - drain the bottle, then grab a pitchfork
"Senator Kennedy's legacy" - drain the bottle, then drive into the nearest bridge or river
"Republican leadership" - no drinks; laugh hysterically
"Democratic leadership" - ditto
Undesired yelling from the gallery or opposing senators/congressman - drain the bottle and applaud
"War on Terror" - N/A, because that would requiring acknowledging it as a war and not a criminal process.

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